Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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