At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
