I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
