Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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