I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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