I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
honey bunches of taint.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Randomize
