I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
