dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
