she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
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