I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
