i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
