ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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