No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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