My balls are so social today.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
