My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
