i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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