party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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