i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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