For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Randomize
