my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
