Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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