she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
