Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
