note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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