there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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