Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
We named our party play list daddy issues
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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