It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
