So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
