she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
He? As in you personified your dick?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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