the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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