what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
There r osticjed everywhere
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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