I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
