I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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