If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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