A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
