You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
