So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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