Yo dont text me then not text me
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
