he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
even my farts smell like vagina
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
