Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
This is the high leading the old right now
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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