...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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