I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
