I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
How does one acquire holy water?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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