stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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