Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
