I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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