When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
