If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Randomize
