i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Randomize
