as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
